Second Sunday in Ordinary Time
R. Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Written by Chenele Shaw
Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
I was a youth minister for three years. Three birthdays, three different classes of kids ,and three years of painful but necessary growth. It was a wild ride and one that I would have not imagined myself on years before as a recent college graduate. Prior to my time in youth ministry I taught at a school in New Orleans and no exaggeration, it was one of the worst years of my life. I cried almost every day after work, I became depressed and developed a complex anxiety disorder. I lost hope in myself and my life.
Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
The tricky part is that I loved New Orleans. I loved the people and the culture etc… but it wasn’t enough. As my anxiety worsened, I began to get physically ill and have breakdowns. I would spontaneously cry on my way home from work and have panic attacks Sundays before the school week began. I was out of control. I stopped going to mass, stopped praying, and stopped believing that God even saw me, yet alone cared.
Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Then one day, I quit. I remember so vividly sitting in my office and just being done. I typed up my resignation letter, put it under my supervisor's door, walked away and wept. It was probably the first time in months I had even spoken to God but I found myself on my knees, in the chapel thanking Him for the grace to leave. It was unbelievable.
Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Months later, I was jobless but joyful. I applied for jobs constantly. All the while, my heart wanted so badly to stay in NOLA, but nothing worked out. In the final hour before the end of the summer, I interviewed for a position in youth ministry and was offered the job the next day. Here I was, saying yes to a job somewhere I’ve never lived before, moving from New Orleans, LA to Denver, CO.
Yet, in all of that uncertainty and all of my doubt, and with God’s grace, I repeated within myself,
Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Many years later, here I am. Rejoicing in how the Lord has carried me, and thankful for the messiness of His will in my life.
How can we give the Lord our messiness? Are we afraid to give the Lord our worries and doubts?
Are we willing to say to the Lord, Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will?
I will be praying for you, please pray for me!
Chenele Shaw is a former youth minister and theology teacher and a current young adult trying to live her life for Christ, frequent her therapist, and eat all the cheese! She is the co-founder of the Before Gethsemane Initiative and host of the Ave Spotlight Podcast. She desires to be her authentic self and help others as well. You can find her watching reality tv, going to confession, and updating her Spotify playlists. Follow her on Instagram and say hey!
Pray with today’s psalm.